One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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