i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
