My room smells like vodka and shame
My first STD was from a foam party
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
