Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
