my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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