The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
