If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize