After last night, I could never be a politician.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
