and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
