I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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