She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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