she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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