Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
