guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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