he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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