Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
