FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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