today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
