I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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