I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize