one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize