I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
