If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
