I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
