I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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