He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
a search helicopter?!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
