Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize