just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
