once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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