If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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