her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
