I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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