I just threw up on my dentist
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize