there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Text me some of your sweat
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
