I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
