my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
