i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
