Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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