I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's the barista slut.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
