It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
