i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
