I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
