When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
