I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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