Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
