Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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