im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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