What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
