Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
