Michael Bay diarrhea
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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