How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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