I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize