We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
