I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
