Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think people are normalizing furries
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
