they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
