At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
