So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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